Come on, I can do it

Right now, I hate it to go out at Saturday night. Seeing all the couples in their romantic world is too much. I know, jealousy is one big bad thing, but I can’t help it. Some part of me is letting this little ugly feeling eating me inside. Stupid, I know. Bad, I know. But maybe it’s just an emotion called loneliness. Yes, I think that’s it, it’s just some loneliness. It’s funny how I always feel lonely in the middle of the crowd.

Lonely is really one strong word. For me, it’s picturing a big black hole inside my heart that eating my happiness slowly but sure. Yeah, loneliness is not good for my peace. You laugh with everybody around you, but you feel nothing inside. Flat and empty. It’s strange, really, because you’re not supposed to feel lonely when you have companions. But sometimes, out of the blue, I do feel lonely in the middle of the crowd. It might be in the mall, or in the party, or in the restaurant, or in the family occasion, or even when I’m with my friends.

I think something is really wrong in my mind because, for some reason, I really take myself as antisocial. And apparently, I’m not because I still feel lonely. In the past, I feel lonely sometimes when I have no one to talk to. But now, with the entire communications portal that serves on a silver platter in front of our face, especially when you use this one little magic thing called blackberry, I have so many people to talk with. And strangely, I still feel lonely sometimes too.

I don’t know if having no boyfriend is one of the main reasons for this loneliness or not. I don’t think so, because when I was in a relationship with my last boyfriend, sometimes I still feel lonely too. But anyway, there were times when he just disappears when I need him, so I won’t count this. So maybe it’s true that having no boyfriend is one of the main reasons.

Even my friends laugh on my face when I say that I hate seeing all the couples in the crowded place at Saturday night. Some of them said that I am one of the strangest people alive because here I am, whining about loneliness, but when they tell me to find one boyfriend to share laugh with, I have this horrified expression in my face. They said, ‘You don’t want to be lonely, but you don’t want to have boyfriend too. I don’t know what you want, really.’

Me neither, friends, I don’t know what I want too. I just know that having a relationship is too much for now. Too many complicated area and too many responsibilities that I can’t take and give. And looking for a boyfriend because I feel lonely is one bad reason to start a relationship, don’t you think so? But to tell you the truth, that’s just a little part of my reason. The big part is that I’m afraid. Yeah, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’m so trap in this loneliness that I become a bitch who use someone else, especially the one with XY chromosome, to make this loneliness disappear. It’s bad, isn’t it, using someone else to fill my emptiness? I do feel bad, really, and I feel really sorry for my friends who happen to be used. I’m sorry, I truly do, for being such a bad girl. This is one prove that I’m just an irresponsible childish girl who disguise myself as a mature woman while I’m not.

That’s why I decided to stop complaining. I decided to stop using other people. I decided to take some sabbatical leaving from dependant part of myself and learn to be independent, learn to live this life in my own feet for a while. I’m sure I can do it, after all I’m strong, right? So, for now, I have no right to complain at all. The only thing I can do is find some other way to make this loneliness vanish. I should find one hobby, that’s the only other ways, besides make myself as busy as hell.

Come on, girl, I can do it! I can be independent. After all, maybe this is the time for me to find my alibrandi. Maybe this is the time for me to find myself. Maybe this is the time for me to catch my dream.

Yeah, I can do it.