Vocabulary baru bagi gue yang awam ini:

1. Biopsi: tindakan yang dilakukan untuk mengambil sample dari suatu benjolan yang tumbuh di dalam badan.
2. Radiasi: tindakan yang dianjurkan (dibanding operasi yang menghabiskan waktu 5 jam bius total) dan dilakukan berulang-ulang setiap hari selama puluhan kali sampai si benjolan gosong dan hilang.
3. Paket VIP: dianjurkan untuk orang yang tidak mau menunggu lama dan mengantri panjang.

Money means nothing, nothing at all.

a little optimism in the pessimistic day

Life's always down to earth. When it feels that we're too happy to be true, then it shows us some way to humble ourself. Example today.

What a hellish day today. Wake up with dizzy head. Hear my sister complaining about her phone 6 o'clock in the morning, exactly the time when I should get ready to work. Late about few minutes for work, just to get the wrong and error absent machine. Get few extra minutes late for being late again till I find the right absent machine.

Coordination meeting in the morning till lunch means that I met some, and by some I mean much, people who choose to ask about my face, my allergic face. Like I couldn't see those little red spots. So annoying to answer those questions. And suddenly, I decide to go to the doctor, my skin doctor, immediately. And by immediately I mean this very night.

Spending my after lunch time to buy present, or in this case, present materials for one of my lecturer, again. Spend the afternoon making this present, and yeah, making the present because it's a scrap book. Not attending today's integration seminar because of that scrap book (I sign my absent first, that means I'm cheating, ain't I?).

Waiting till the doctor practice schedule. Going there in time to find that I need to wait half hour or more. Get my face checked. Get one treatment that burn my skin like hell. Get injected. Skin allergic can be damn annoying, huh? Pay an outrageous bill. Happily walking to the front door.

Just to find that it's raining outside. Get stuck in traffic jam in a public transportation. Walk in a pouring rain till my home. Take a cold bath, and finally I feel alive again.

Just to find some work to do before tomorrow morning. Do those work quickly. Preparing some things for tomorrow's trip, because I'm going to Bandung and i need to wake up 4 o'clock in the morning because of that. And finally I'm free, to take a rest i mean.

It's just another tiring day. Just another day. Sounds complaining, but really, I just feel tired and down, and somehow my melancholic side strike me bad. Well, maybe just some hyperactive hormone that could make me high and down so easily.

So here I am, very tired, very very. Waiting for my boyfriend to comfort me with his words, though it's really self centered to expect him to comfort me (well, it's my problem that I have this hellish day, not his). Lying in my bed with my almost closed eyes. Imagining tomorrow. And especially, imagining the weekend to come. Hell, after all those trying events, there's still something that can make me smile.

Wish and hope, our last resort when we feel like hell. So when you down, try to smile and remember, there's always tomorrow, and tomorrow's is always better than today.

Have a great hellish day, everyone, and have a great heavenly day after that. Because maybe life is fair sometimes :)

Kalau diibaratkan,

saat ini gue itu kertas putih kosong selebar A3 dengan kop dibawahnya dan mata rotring berjarak 2 cm dari permukaan kertas yang stuck tanpa tau denah apa yang harus digambar diatasnya. Cuma lembaran kosong aja, lembaran kosong yang menunggu untuk diisi, akan tetapi gak tau harus mulai titik pertama dimana. Pikiran gue mendadak seperti vacuum of power saja, jadi kosong. Kosong dari prasangka, kosong dari analisa, kosong dari jarak dan waktu. Kosong dari apa, kapan, dimana, mengapa, siapa, dan bagaimana. Semuanya kosong, semua terasa dekat padahal jauh, semua terasa jauh padahal dekat. Aneh, rasanya gamang sekali, seperti mengambang di lautan awan, ringan-ringan gak jelas.

Yang artinya memang sisi melankolis sedang menyerang di titik ini, di saat ini, present time yang akan menjadi past time. Entah kenapa juga mendadak si melankolis muncul menginvasi hasrat dan pikiran gue seenaknya, gak jelas juntrungannya dan gak tau kapan akan pergi. Bisa-bisanya kemarin gue ngabisin tiga hari long wiken cuma dengan bengong tidur-tiduran sepanjang waktu sambil ngikutin kemana mood ipod gue membawa, yang sialnya ternyata dia juga lagi mellow. Jadilah gue dan ipod bermellow ria berdua dengan mesranya, menghabiskan waktu bersama dengan manisnya. Tapi untungnya energi capek gue selama kerja juga ilang berkat lazy time selama tiga hari itu. Ada gunanya juga masa mellow ini.

Gawat sekali kalau sedang kumat begini, kepala rasanya seperti perahu yang gak punya tambatan, ngalir aja gitu, gak bisa dipake buat mikir apa-apa. Dan kalo lagi begini, gue cuma bisa nunggu ampe masa ini lewat aja deh. Sepertinya perlu mencari teman mellow untuk menghabiskan malam berdua mengobrol mellow sambil menghabiskan sepiring marshmallow dan coklat tanpa peduli berat badan untuk mempercepat proses mellow ini. Sepertinya butuh adik gue segera buat ngelakuin itu. Sayang adik gue tercinta lagi terserang gak enak badan kemarin. Adik cepatlah sembuh, aku membutuhkanmu nih untuk bermellow ria semalam suntuk.

Aduh kenapa sih, vanya, ayo semangat dong ah! Jangan manja deh!

Come on, I can do it

Right now, I hate it to go out at Saturday night. Seeing all the couples in their romantic world is too much. I know, jealousy is one big bad thing, but I can’t help it. Some part of me is letting this little ugly feeling eating me inside. Stupid, I know. Bad, I know. But maybe it’s just an emotion called loneliness. Yes, I think that’s it, it’s just some loneliness. It’s funny how I always feel lonely in the middle of the crowd.

Lonely is really one strong word. For me, it’s picturing a big black hole inside my heart that eating my happiness slowly but sure. Yeah, loneliness is not good for my peace. You laugh with everybody around you, but you feel nothing inside. Flat and empty. It’s strange, really, because you’re not supposed to feel lonely when you have companions. But sometimes, out of the blue, I do feel lonely in the middle of the crowd. It might be in the mall, or in the party, or in the restaurant, or in the family occasion, or even when I’m with my friends.

I think something is really wrong in my mind because, for some reason, I really take myself as antisocial. And apparently, I’m not because I still feel lonely. In the past, I feel lonely sometimes when I have no one to talk to. But now, with the entire communications portal that serves on a silver platter in front of our face, especially when you use this one little magic thing called blackberry, I have so many people to talk with. And strangely, I still feel lonely sometimes too.

I don’t know if having no boyfriend is one of the main reasons for this loneliness or not. I don’t think so, because when I was in a relationship with my last boyfriend, sometimes I still feel lonely too. But anyway, there were times when he just disappears when I need him, so I won’t count this. So maybe it’s true that having no boyfriend is one of the main reasons.

Even my friends laugh on my face when I say that I hate seeing all the couples in the crowded place at Saturday night. Some of them said that I am one of the strangest people alive because here I am, whining about loneliness, but when they tell me to find one boyfriend to share laugh with, I have this horrified expression in my face. They said, ‘You don’t want to be lonely, but you don’t want to have boyfriend too. I don’t know what you want, really.’

Me neither, friends, I don’t know what I want too. I just know that having a relationship is too much for now. Too many complicated area and too many responsibilities that I can’t take and give. And looking for a boyfriend because I feel lonely is one bad reason to start a relationship, don’t you think so? But to tell you the truth, that’s just a little part of my reason. The big part is that I’m afraid. Yeah, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’m so trap in this loneliness that I become a bitch who use someone else, especially the one with XY chromosome, to make this loneliness disappear. It’s bad, isn’t it, using someone else to fill my emptiness? I do feel bad, really, and I feel really sorry for my friends who happen to be used. I’m sorry, I truly do, for being such a bad girl. This is one prove that I’m just an irresponsible childish girl who disguise myself as a mature woman while I’m not.

That’s why I decided to stop complaining. I decided to stop using other people. I decided to take some sabbatical leaving from dependant part of myself and learn to be independent, learn to live this life in my own feet for a while. I’m sure I can do it, after all I’m strong, right? So, for now, I have no right to complain at all. The only thing I can do is find some other way to make this loneliness vanish. I should find one hobby, that’s the only other ways, besides make myself as busy as hell.

Come on, girl, I can do it! I can be independent. After all, maybe this is the time for me to find my alibrandi. Maybe this is the time for me to find myself. Maybe this is the time for me to catch my dream.

Yeah, I can do it.

Untitled

Little girl
Learning about hurts
When shits happened in her life
Thinking about giving up
But the pain won't go

Really,
Sometimes she wish she was born heartless
So she'll feel nothing
When shits happened in her life
Just like today

Eventhough her heart's ache
Her mind's screaming
Her tears won't come
No peace inside her
Everything's draining inside
Emotion's bursting
Feel like she's going to explode

It's hurt like hell
But nothing coming out
It's hurt like shit
But sure she manage to disguise it
Eventhough she choose to cry
But for some reason the tears won't come

So,
She'll put make up on her face
Smokey eyes, bold mascara
Pink blush on, red lipstick
She'll wear her hair hazardly
Wearing sexy red dress, too short for her legs
Black stocking and red high heels
Bring her clutch
And going out alone
To she doesn't know where

She'll find a bar,
Where no one know about her
Sit near the bartender
Drink till she drunk
Smoking light cigarettes
Her face is dark
Throwing glance around her
Seeing people at trance
Few groups laughing together
Couples kissing hotly
Dj playing the music loudly
She'll dance her legs out
Sure loneliness killed her inside
But she maintain to hang on
Because she know
Physical pain mean nothing

She'll put one perfect fake smile on her face
Lift her chin up
Walk like she doesn't care for anything
She's just a little girl
But sure she's strong
Because she can disguise her pain well

And tomorrow,
She'll get up
Like no shits happened yesterday
She'll put one perfect fake smile on her face
So no one know what happen inside her

Slowly,
She'll forgive herself
And the world around her
Eventhough she'll never forget
But life's goes on
So she learn to heal herself
And pretend that everything's alright
And wishing inside
That everything's really going to be alright someday

I wish I was born heartless, baby

I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t notice your presence that first time at all.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when I feel your presence I won’t skip my heart beat for a while.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t talk to you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when I talk to you I won’t realize your wonderful dreamy eyes with its thick eyelashes.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t melt after I find your soul from your eyes.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when I hear you talk I won’t fall for your words.
I wish I was born heartless, that way your words won’t feel like musics in my ears.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t realize your heat radiating from your body.
I wish I was born heartless, that way your body won’t attract me towards you like a magnet.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when you first touch me I won’t feel electricity stings me hard.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t feel like I need you now.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t craving even though it's just for your simple touch.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t feel comfortable when you hugs me.
I wish I was born heartless, that way your smell won’t take my breath away.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when you kiss me I could step back.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when you want me I could say no.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I could easily go from your life before we’re getting intense.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t get obsessed with you at all.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t fall in love with all of you, good and bad.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t getting crazy about you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when you like slipping away from my life I could feel nothing.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t wait for you at all.
I wish I was born heartless, that way your face won’t keep coming back to my mind.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when I sleep alone in my bed I won’t cry in my sleep remembering you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t dream of you in all my disturbed sleep.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won't search for your shadows in any place possible.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t miss you at all.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t waste my tears wanting you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t feel anything about you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I would never know about love.
I wish I was born heartless, but it’s just too late.

ps. demi menjawab banyak pertanyaan, ini DEFINITELY bukan tentang The X-Files. like i have nothing to think other than him deh ah.