dari Roh-Jiwa-Raga yang penuh tanya

Paling terasa menyenangkan ketika terbaring terlentang di bawah langit luas, polos, sendiri, dalam pikiran masing-masing. Terasa menggairahkan untuk menikmati semburat merah matahari yang muncul menyapa di pagi hari. Terasa bersemangat untuk menghisap energi birunya langit yang ceria di siang hari. Terasa romantis mengecup hangatnya matahari yang berpamitan di senja hari. Terasa menenangkan beristirahat dibawah gelapnya langit malam bersama bulan dan bintang yang berpesta dan bercengkrama dengan asyiknya.

Saat seperti itulah kesadaran yang selalu ada tapi jarang disadari muncul. Kecil. Manusia itu kecil. Kita hanyalah debu tak berarti, sungguh, percayalah. Karena itulah kita diberi akal budi, supaya kita bisa berkarya, berkreasi, mengeluarkan ide dan pikiran, supaya debu tak berarti memiliki kesempatan untuk meninggalkan jejak yang juga tak berarti di dunia ini.

Sungguh mengecilkan sekaligus membesarkan diri jika berada dibawah langit luas, polos, sendiri, dalam pikiran masing-masing. Tuhan betul adalah seniman. Paling tidak, dia adalah desainer. Dia membuat blue-print yang entah dibangun dalam jangka waktu ribuan, ratusan ribu, jutaan, atau bahkan milyaran tahun, kita tidak akan pernah tahu sejauh mana umur permainan bumi ini. Tidak ada manusia yang hidup selama itu bukan pastinya? Dia membuat maket dalam wujud angkasa, bumi, dan kita. Dia membuat gambar presentasi dalam bentuk permainan skema warna dari semua warna yang ada di dunia, cukup tebarkan pandangan ke sekeliling untuk melihat warna tersebut. Yang tidak kita ketahui adalah, entah kepada siapa dia akan mempresentasikan rancangannya ini.

Ya, dunia untuk Tuhan sang desainer adalah kanvas luar biasa. Kita hanya titik berukuran mikro yang tidak akan berarti jika tidak digabung dengan titik lainnya. Jadi walaupun tidak berarti, dalam pandangan optimisme, sebenarnya kita berarti juga. Karena itulah setiap manusia memiliki keunikan masing-masing walau tetap saja pasti memiliki persamaan satu dan dua di area tertentu. Di kanvas yang luas ini, kita tinggal memilih untuk menjadi titik seperti apa atau warna seperti apa sesuai dengan jalan hidup kita. Bukankah hidup adalah pilihan? Semua pilihan yang kita ambil akan memberikan makna yang berbeda nantinya.

Benarkah demikian? Benarkah hidup kita bermakna walau kecil? Kalau dipikir-pikir, apa rencananya kita manusia hidup di dunia? Apa tujuannya sejarah beribu-ribu tahun lamanya yang seperti spiral terus mengulang inti kejadian, hanya membedakan sarana dan prasarana saja. Apa tujuannya pergantian era dari dulu sampai sekarang? Apa pentingnya evolusi? Sebenarnya apa master-plan yang Tuhan buat untuk dunia ini?

Seberapa pun besarnya pertanyaan kita, sepertinya sampai kapan pun manusia tidak akan diberi kesempatan untuk melihat blue-print tersebut. Kita hanya bisa bertanya-tanya, mengulang jaringan pemikiran penting-penting-tidak-penting ini dalam benak kita sendiri. Kita hanya bisa mengulang pertanyaan retorikal ini sambil menghabiskan energi kita dan tetap saja tak akan menemukan jawabannya. Kenapa kita bisa berpikir jika tidak akan menemukan jawabannya?

Sebenarnya apa makna kita di dunia? Kenapa kita diberi pikiran dan akal budi? Apa tujuannya untuk memberikan warna dalam kanvas tersebut? Lalu bagaimanakah dengan anak-anak yang meninggal sebelum dilahirkan? Atau anak-anak yang meninggal dalam usia sangat belia? Bukankah mereka belum sempat memberikan jejak di dunia? Bagaimanakah pengertian pemberian makna dalam kehidupan itu? Apakah perasaan sudah bisa disebut jejak? Ataukah perlu perbuatan nyata yang terlihat oleh mata baru bisa disebut jejak? Bukankah tidak terlihat bukan berarti tidak ada? Tetapi betulkah ada itu menjadi penting?

Sungguh manusia sangat kecil dan tidak berarti. Kenapa perlu kita meninggalkan jejak di dunia? Siapa yang akan melihat jejak itu nantinya? Siapa yang akan mengagumi jejak itu? Apa pentingnya meninggalkan jejak di muka bumi? Toh kelak akan ada orang lain yang akan menimpa jejak kita itu dengan miliknya lagi dan lagi. Betulkah perlu kita mengeluarkan pemikiran kita itu? Siapa yang akan menikmatinya? Apakah kita sendiri demi keegoisan dan arogansi semata ataukah untuk kepentingan orang lain. Jika untuk orang lain kenapa juga harus ada yang peduli? Kenapa kita harus peduli dengan apa yang diperbuat oleh orang lain? Bukankah manusia itu lahir sendiri dan mati sendiri?

Tetapi jika tidak dikeluarkan, kenapa kita diberi pikiran dan akal budi yang meledak-ledak, yang penuh dengan rupa dan wujud, yang penuh warna dan rasa, yang harus dikeluarkan supaya bisa memberikan suatu produk nyata yang bisa dinikmati dan dihujat oleh kita lainnya. Sungguh aneh dunia itu. Mungkin karena kita hanya setitik debu maka kita tidak akan bisa mengerti tujuannya sampai kapanpun juga. Sungguh hidup itu aneh.

Apa perlunya kita manusia memiliki perasaan sedih, gembira, marah, kecewa, semangat? Apa pentingnya emosi tenang dan menyembur dari diri kita? Apa pentingnya perasaan hangat akibat persinggungan dengan manusia lain? Apa intinya kita mencintai kalau hidup manusia tidak berarti? Apa perlunya berbuat baik atau jahat jika apapun yang kita lakukan seperti tidak meninggalkan apapun di muka bumi? Apa perlunya dikenang oleh manusia yang kelak akan mati juga?

Apa pentingnya berbuat baik dan jahat yang jika ditimbang saja manusia takarannya kecil sekali? Apa pentingnya memiliki cita-cita dan mimpi? Apa pentingnya berusaha sekuat tenaga? Apa tujuannya kita tertawa dan menangis? Apa perlunya kita memaki dan menghibur? Apa tujuannya kita beranak pinak dan memenuhi bumi? Apa pentingnya merasa itu? Kenapa tak hilangkan saja perasaan yang ada seperti layaknya patung-patung indah tanpa hati?

Apa tujuannya kita hidup 80 tahun yang cukup lama untuk kita tapi cukup sekejap bagi Tuhan, sang master-planner kita? Apa tujuannya jika bukan untuk meninggalkan jejak? Tetapi kemudian kenapa jejak itu penting? Toh kelak akan hilang juga.

Apakah sebenarnya eksistensi manusia itu? Apakah manusia itu bermakna? Apakah kehidupan yang kita kecap saat ini adalah nyata? Lalu kemana kita pergi ketika roh kita sudah terbang dan jiwa kita hilang dan raga kita menjadi debu dan tanah dan air yang lalu terbang hanyut dan lenyap begitu saja tanpa bisa dikenali lagi? Apakah artinya semua titik kehidupan bila diletakkan di dunia yang sangat luas ini? Apa yang dipikirkan oleh Tuhan ketika memandang bumi ciptaan mahakaryanya ini? Apa yang Tuhan rencanakan ketika melihat titik-titik debu kehidupan manusia fana ini?

Tetapi kalau dipikir-pikir, pentingkah kita menanyakan hal itu? Pentingkah tahu tujuan manusia di dunia? Pentingkah melihat rencana besar rancangan mahakarya Tuhan? Pentingkah semua itu?

Kenapa tidak kita nikmati saja? Kita, manusia, kecil dan tak berarti bagaikan bulir debu di alunan melodi waktu yang mengalir dalam sungai sejarah kehidupan. Kenapa harus peduli apakah keberadaan kita penting? Apakah tidak cukup untuk menganggap diri kita penting? Kenapa tidak menikmati keegoisan dan arogansi yang memang hanya diijinkan untuk dimiliki manusia saja?

Kenapa mempertanyakan Tuhan? Memang kenapa kalau kita hanya sebuah titik mikro dari entah berapa hitungan tak terhingga titik-titik yang membentuk sebuah lukisan mahakarya? Bukankah sudah cukup kalau kita bisa bangun bernafas dan menjalankan kehidupan ini? Bukankah sudah cukup kita bermimpi dan mengejar mimpi tersebut? Bukankah sudah cukup dengan memberikan senyuman sejuk kepada orang lain setiap hari? Bukankah sudah cukup memiliki seseorang untuk bergandengan tangan dan menjalani hidup bersama sampai ajal memisahkan? Bukankah sudah cukup kita ada bersama disini sekarang menikmati waktu yang tersedia saat ini? Kenapa tidak puas hanya dengan ada itu saja?

Kenapa manusia tidak pernah puas? Kenapa manusia tidak bahagia dengan keberadaan? Kenapa manusia tidak pernah berkata cukup? Kenapa selalu ingin mengetahui hal-hal yang tidak perlu diketahui? Kenapa tidak pernah puas?

Kenapa mencobai Tuhan dengan bertanya? Kenapa tidak terima saja bulat-bulat?

Kenapa mempertanyakan Tuhan?

Kenapa?

Live Grandly, Wholeheartedly

I’m good woman, truly, you may ask anyone who know me well to get that answer. But sometimes, sometimes when mood strikes me, I can be a really really bad. Only bad, tho, not evil of course. If you don’t know me well, you wouldn’t know the extension of my goodness because I have so many faces that you couldn’t read my real face or you would feel like you don’t know me at all. Of course that’s happen as a vice versa for me. People are hard to understand others, especially when you don’t know those others well. And in my confession, me is kinda hard to understand. I’m an unusual woman with complicated mind. You wouldn’t understand me until you know me better and usually that take times. Sometimes I take myself having a twisted mind that work so un-normally in this world. Maybe it’s just the way I am, in some imperfect way, but I do love being myself.

I believe that each of us is protagonist in our story. There’s no such right or wrong and black and white case. Life is full of grey area anyway. It’s our life, do whatever we like. It’s not that I always acting irresponsibly in my life. All my life, I always live to follow the path others make for me and that was exhausting. I always obey other’s rules, until one day I realize that this is my life, not theirs. The main question is ‘Where is my own happiness?’ Following other’s rules just get me nowhere, so I quit and make my own way towards happiness. Of course there’s limitation for living my life the way I want it. My limitation is that I always prevent myself from hurting others as much as I can, as long as my inner soul still accepting it then it’s okay. I don’t know the calculation of this right or wrong. I just know there’s a limitation for that, but that’s God’s right to decide. I believe in tit for tat, karma in everything you've done, and that’s enough to prevent me from doing any harm to other.

Because of that, I believe that all is fair in love, but not in war because I hate conflict no matter how small it is. Yes, all is fair in love. Human, although it’s a noun, it isn’t a thing. Human are human and we can make solid rules for anything connected with human feeling, such as love. It does takes two to tango. If both willing, it’ll make a great dance together. If one is not willing, it won’t be dance at all. Destiny involving time and distance. If the time and the distance is right, then you’re going to meet each other. If it isn’t destined, then no matter how hard you try it, you won’t get a chance.

In my dramatic world, I do what I like and the hell with others. Life is too short to wait, and anyway, we live this life just once in lifetime. This very moment is just once, you won’t experience it again later. That’s why I do cherish this very moment, no matter how crazy or how sad this moment is. Falling down is okay, but don’t forget to get up. As a protagonist, I try hard not to waste any chance. Life teach me hard way but I’m grateful for that because miseries and hurts and disappointments make me remember that I’m still human and those feelings only make me enjoy all happiness and graces and miracles more and more.



I do love to live grandly, because I don’t know what tomorrow will serve for me. I know it seems like reckless way of live, but the fact is, reckless are fun. Life is one strange thing. I can laugh this very moment and cry in a swift of moment later. Sometimes coincidences are just coincidences, nothing more, but I choose what I want to believe. That way, I have myself to blame when anything happen unexpectedly later. I don’t holds on my feeling about tomorrow because I don’t know what will happen later. Never really care about what others think about me and never really care to judge others too. Life is too short to waste and I don’t have space for regret.

I’m more colorful than a rainbow, full of sparks. Very alive when I’m happy. Very weepy when I’m sad. Very gloomy when I’m down. Very charming when I want to. Very anti-social when I need to. Very silly when I have a crush. Very stupid when I’m in love. Very miserable when I'm in hatred. Every actions always lead by emotions. I always run with full load of emotions. Sometimes I am a good woman, but sometimes I am a bitch. I don’t care, I have full treasure chess of disguise. I can be whoever I want.

My existence in this world is to live wholeheartedly, to laugh wholeheartedly, and to love wholeheartedly. Live grandly, because we only have one life and we’re the protagonist in our life.



Sincerely yours :)

Don't judge a book by its cover

Tadi di minggu pagi ketemu satu kejadian yang bikin gue ngerasa dijitak sama Tuhan, again. Gara-gara satu kejadian ini, gue langsung inget ama beberapa kejadian yang mirip kayak gini. Kejadiannya simple, bener-bener cuma persinggungan ama orang asing yang kebetulan memerlukan bantuan. Dan tiap kali gue selalu keburu curiga sama orang-orang itu sebelumnya. Ternyata gue itu paranoid juga ya.

Kejadiannya gini, gue baru pulang gereja. Biasa gue nyebrang di jalanan yang emang luar biasa gila ramenya and definitely ga punya zebra cross, apalagi jembatan penyebrangan. Kalo udah kayak gini gue suka ngutuk dalam hati, gila ya orang nyetir mobil tuh egois setengah mati, ga mau ngalah sedikitpun. Nah hari ini waktu gue lagi nunggu, ada suara yang manggil gue dari belakang. Berhubung biasa diajarin buat jangan terlalu berinteraksi ama orang gak dikenal, takutnya dihipnotislah, diculiklah, diapainlah, maka gue, yang emang rada-rada gak ngeh juga (habis suara itu manggilnya neng, mana gue tau neng yang mana yang dimaksud?), gak nengok. Tapi ketika panggilannya makin kenceng, gue mau gak mau nengok juga sih.
“Neng, neng!”
Gue nengok buat melototin siapapun yang manggil gue neng ini (agak sensi karena biasa kalo ada yang manggil neng pasti niatannya iseng deh, entah ngegodain, nyiulin, nyuitin, atau kalo makin kurang ajar bahkan ampe nyolek), yang ternyata adalah ibu-ibu (hampir nenek-nenek) yang jalannya agak tertatih-tatih. Gue awalnya curiga tapi agak ga tega juga ngeliat jalannya si ibu, “Iya, ibu?”
“Neng mau nyebrang ya?”
“Iya, ibu.”
“Ibu boleh ikut nyebrang ga?”
Dueng, langsung kayak dijitak Tuhan kan. Ini orang cuma mau nebeng nyebrang, curigaan banget sih lo? Akhirnya si ibu ikut nyebrang sama gue, sambil megangin tangan gue kenceng-kenceng, takut gue nyebrang ninggalin dia. Dan selama lima menit (iya serius, nyebrang dua jalur di depan gereja gue perlu lima menit sendiri gara-gara semua mobil egois itu) itu akhirnya gue mencoba menenangkan si ibu yang memegang tangan gue dengan super kenceng and ninggalin bekas merah pas udahannya (itu hukuman gue buat curiga sama orang).

Kejadian kayak gini gak cuma sekali aja terjadi. Kejadian lain misalnya waktu gue lagi ngantri di ATM. Di belakang gue itu orang bule Afrika tinggi kurus super legam. Karena sering denger cerita ‘miring’ tentang mereka, maka tanpa sadar gue membentuk rasa curiga tiap liat mereka, apalagi kalo bergerombol. Kali ini cuma dua orang. Satu nunggu di luar dan satunya ngantri dibelakang gue. Pas gue selesai bertransaksi di ATM, si bule dibelakang gue manggil gue dengan sentuhan ringan di lengan. Gue yang udah tau siapa yang ada dibelakang gue jadi agak curiga, apalagi ini di ATM. Akhirnya gue nengok karena mau gak mau toh gue harus keluar ngelewatin dia juga kan. Pasrah deh, que sera sera, pikir gue, toh kalo diapa-apain gue gak bisa apa-apa juga ngelawan bodi mereka itu.
Lalu si bule ngomong, “Excuse me?”
“Yes?”
“I need your help here.” Logat bahasa Inggrisnya agak lucu gimana gitu. Gue cuma mengedikkan bahu, menunggu dia ngomong selanjutnya. “I need to transfer this fund to this account,” Dia bilang sambil nunjukin layer HP-nya, “But I don’t really know how to do it because it’s in Indonesian and I can’t speak Indonesian. Can you help me?”
Lalu seperti merasa kalau gue curiga sama dia, dia langsung nyodorin kartu ATM-nya ke tangan gue. Kali ini sambil nolong dia, gue bener-bener senyum ke dia buat ngurangin kekakuan suasana. Again, saat itu gue ngerasa dijitak ama Tuhan pelan banget. Curigaan banget sih lo jadi orang? Kapan mau belajar buat enggak nyurigain orang dari fisiknya?

Atau kejadian lainnya ketika gue naik Trans BSD sore-sore buat ke GI. Yang duduk di sebelah gue itu again ibu-ibu berjilbab seumur nyokap gue yang logatnya Palembang gitu (sebenernya gue gak tau sih logat mana, tapi pas dia bilang dia dari Palembang makanya gue assume itu logat Palembang). Ibu ini agak bawel, banyak nanya-nanya. Awalnya gue yang lagi agak males ngomong ngejawab cuma sepotong-potong again karena menjaga jarak. Akhirnya gue jadi tau kalo si ibu sebenernya belum pernah ke daerah sini, makanya dia banyak nanya, karena dia takut nyasar. Intinya si ibu mau ke Tanah Abang dan dia gak tau jalan, harus turun dimana dari trans BSD ini dan habis itu naik apa dari tempat turunnya.
“Nanti turun di Ratu Plaza ada yang jemput, bu?”
“Enggak, non, ibu naik bus kayaknya. Tapi naik yang mana ya?”
Gue juga gak tau, bu, batin gue dalam hati, naik apa dari Ratu Plaza ke Tanah Abang selain taksi. Awalnya curiga, tapi karena si ibu terlihat tulus ga ngerti, lalu karena mikir gue juga toh sepertinya bakal kena 3 in 1 maka gue ajaklah si ibu bertaksi bersama gue sampe GI and dia boleh melanjutkan sampai Tanah Abang, tinggal nambahin argo setelah gue aja jadinya gak seberapa gede dan dia pasti gak akan nyasar. Pas udah di dalam taksi, ternyata gue baru tau kalo yang namanya taksi ga pake 3 in 1 segala. Akhirnya gue dapet bonus temen ngobrol di sepanjang jalan, padahal awalnya udah curiga setengah mati. Sumpah ini bad habit banget buat gue.

Dari semua kejadian itu, yang paling bikin gue ngerasa dijitak Tuhan adalah ketika mereka bilang terima kasih. Makasih si ibu tua yang agak kasar suaranya. Thank you diiringin senyuman gigi putih cemerlang sambil agak nunduk dari dua bule Afrika itu. Terima kasih, semoga Tuhan memberkati dari ibu Palembang itu. Entah udah berapa banyak terima kasih tulus yang gue terima dari orang-orang yang awalnya gue curigain, dan semuanya rasanya menampar gue telak di wajah karena rasanya gak layak banget nyurigain orang yang gak punya maksud apa-apa selain minta tolong. Oh, gosh, sumpah kayak ditampar udah nyurigain orang yang ternyata ga punya maksud apa-apa sama sekali. Sepertinya gue sudah menjadi paranoid, mungkin karena kelewat banyak baca email warning, atau broadcast message BBM yang juga warning, atau cerita di sekeliling gue akhirnya membentuk paradigma curigaan ini. Bukan berarti warning-warning itu jelek ya, cuma kalo buat orang kayak gue baca gituan terlalu banyak bisa mempengaruhi kelakuan gue.

Sumpah ini gak baik buat kesehatan, soalnya kalau udah terlanjur curigaan, biasa gue pasang defense jutek dimuka gue. Gue ngelakuin itu sebagai wujud pertahanan diri semata tanpa mikir lebih lanjut, orang-orang yang terpaksa manggil gue buat minta tolong itu apa gak lebih takut lagi ya minta tolong ke gue? Pertama, dia gak kenal gue sama sekali. Kedua muka gue reseh abis juteknya. Ketiga, dia mau minta tolong hal yang bahkan bisa ngerugiin dia kalau gue jahat dan suka menghipnotis orang di ATM atau nyulik orang atau kecurigaan apapun yang gue ajukan ke pribadi mereka. Hal yang gue takutin itu harusnya lebih besar di mereka ketakutannya daripada di diri gue.


Sejak kapan keadaan Indonesia yang adalah tanah air gue bikin gue ngerasa segitu gak amannya jalan sendirian dan ketemu orang asing? Di mana Indonesia yang dulu terkenal ramahnya. Untung Tuhan baik, masih nyoba ngejitak gue buat bikin gue sadar dengan bilang, “Hey, don’t judge a book by its cover! You’re not better than them, why would you think so?” So at least I learned something from this daily experiences. God help me, I need to change, pertama muka jutek yang selalu jadi ganjalan di kesan pertama (padahal emang muka gue begini, tak bisa berekspresi lain selain datar aja gitu). Entah udah berapa puluh temen gue dengan bahagianya menceritakan kejadian pertemuan pertama dengan gue sambil ngeledek kejutekan gue. Kedua sifat curigaan ama orang asing yang sepertinya perlu dirubah habis-habisan.

So, my job desk now is to change. God help me, I need to do it sebelum semua orang salah membaca sinyal wajah gue.

Sincerely :)

We do love you, Grandpa

Bosan menunggu sendiri, sekali lagi mensyukuri terciptanya benda bernama blackberry yang bisa digunakan untuk berbagai macam hal kapanpun dan dimanapun, termasuk membuat tulisan tidak penting seperti ini. Sorry ya kalau kesannya anti-sosial, tapi menunggu sendirian di tempat asing itu sungguh tidak menyenangkan. Intinya, sendirian itu menyebalkan. Sekali lagi mendongak untuk memandang sekeliling dan merasa betapa sendirinya manusia di dunia ini. We were born alone, and someday, we’re going to die alone (sempat terlintas di benak, kalau begitu kenapa kita harus mengalami perjumpaan kalau nantinya akan berpisah juga? Atau karena kelak toh kita akan terpisah maka saat ini diberi pertemuan dengan banyak orang untuk mengisi hari-hari kita?).

Lalu teringat tentang Akong, kakekku yang berumur 82 tahun. Masih sehat. Masih sering pergi dengan teman-temannya. Ngotot untuk membantu pekerjaan rumah. Tidak pernah bisa berhenti memotong rumput di taman belakang. Harus dimarahi untuk tidak memanjat pohon. Harus dipaksa turun untuk tidak mengganti lampu sendiri. Kakek keras kepala luar biasa yang suka merasa masih berumur 41 tahun. Kakek super cerdas (you can see his head if you don’t believe me) yang membaca koran (dan jangan salah, rumah gue langganan koran dengan judul sebagai berikut; Kompas, Seputar Indonesia, Kontan harian, Koran Cina yang penuh tulisan mandarin keriting itu, serta tabloid Bola khusus Akong) setiap hari dan menonton berita trilingual setiap hari (Indonesia, Mandarin, Inggris) karena dia menguasai tiga bahasa itu dengan fasih dan beberapa bahasa suku cina lainnya dengan fasih juga serta sedikit bahasa sisa penjajahan Belanda dan Jepang, serta hapal seluruh jadwal pertandingan bola lengkap dengan bet-nya.

That’s my Grandpa from my mother side (I’ve never met my Grandpa and Grandma from my Father’s side). Terkadang saking sehat dan normalnya dia, kami suka lupa bahwa dia sudah berumur 82 tahun. Kami sering menganggap bahwa dia akan hidup selamanya. Kami sering menormalkan dia padahal seharusnya kami tetap ingat bahwa dia sudah berumur 82 tahun. Bukannya dia akan menerima perlakuan normal tersebut, Akong paling benci kalau dianggap tua dan tidak bisa apa-apa. Mungkin itu alasan dia begitu aktif setiap harinya. Bersyukur juga bahwa dia begitu aktif karena keaktifannya membantu otaknya sehingga dia tidak terserang pikun atau penyakit gawat lainnya. Akan tetapi tetap saja, Akong sudah tua dan sudah seharusnya kami ingat dan sadar akan hal tersebut sebagai orang yang setiap hari menghabiskan waktu bersama dengan dia di rumah.

Di keluarga besar kami, Akong termasuk salah satu yang paling tua. Dia anak pertama dari tujuh bersaudara yang sekarang hanya tinggal berenam saja. Akong sudah menyaksikan kematian adik kandungnya yang (jelas) lebih muda dari dia, meninggal begitu saja tanpa ada penyakit apapun. Akong yang merupakan anak tertua dari garis keturunan marganya yang sampai sekarang belum memiliki penerus marga di generasi ketiga (generasi angkatan gue, karena Akong generasi 1, angkatan Mami generasi 2, dan angkatan gue generasi 3) kecuali semuanya lancar dan Soi Kim melahirkan anak ketiganya dalam 1-2 bulan ini (yang sudah diperiksa dan adalah laki-laki). Untung gue cewek, jadi ga harus ikut terlibat dalam urusan marga ato apalah itu. Akong juga belum memiliki Granddaughter-in-law atau Grandson-in-law serta cicit. Beberapa saudaranya sudah memiliki itu, akan tetapi Akong belum. Lagipula, kalau melihat urutannya, berarti dua hal tersebut akan didapatkan kalau Koko (yang sepertinya belum punya pacar serius) menikah atau gue menikah (yang waktu itu diramalkan akan segera menikah mendahului Koko. Ngawur, mau nikah sama siapa coba?). Sisanya masih terlalu kecil dan gak mungkin menikah segera.

Akong yang memiliki puluhan teman dari yang lebih tua, seumur, sampai yang lebih muda dari dia. Setiap tahun dia selalu mengantarkan kepergian temannya, termasuk yang lebih muda sekalipun. Setiap kali hal tersebut terjadi, Akong akan terlihat seperti layaknya orang yang kehilangan untuk beberapa hari. Dia akan pulih lagi nantinya, dan semakin menyadarkan kami, bahwa Akong sudah tua, dan entah berapa lama lagi dia bisa berada di tengah kami. Pernah suatu hari Akong jatuh sakit, dan kami semua panik, seperti menyadarkan kepada semua orang, apa yang sudah lo lakuin buat Akong? Serangan penyakit gawat, kepada siapapun di keluarga kita, seperti memberi tamparan untuk menyadarkan bahwa manusia tidak akan hidup selamanya. Nobody live forever, and have you ever pay your debt to anyone beside you? Seperti memberikan kesadaran bahwa bagaimanapun juga, jika manusia sudah meninggal, maka terlambatlah bagi kita untuk menangis dan menyesal. Do all the best you can for anybody when you can, don’t wait till late.

Anyway, kembali ke Akong. Terhadap kami keluarganya, Akong jarang menceritakan mengenai kisah masa lalunya. Dia akan menceritakannya pada saat yang tak terduga. Beberapa kenangan gue tentang saat Akong bercerita antara lain ketika gue lagi asyik ngerjain tugas gambar waktu SMA. Akong masuk ke kamar dan melihat pekerjaan gue dan mulai menceritakan bahwa dia tidak bisa menggambar (sepertinya bakat gambar di keluarga menurun dari Ama, nenek dari pihak Mami, karena Akong betul-betul tidak bisa menggambar) dan bahwa dulu kalau ada tugas menggambar dia akan meminta (kata Mami sih memaksa) temannya untuk membuatkan tugas itu. Really bad boy when you were young, huh, Grandpa? I hear some fishy stories about you, why you’ve never told us about that?

Cerita Akong berikutnya dilakukan belum lama ketika gue sedang berdua di rumah sama dia. Mendadak dia menceritakan mengenai masa mudanya di tengah-tengah penjajahan Belanda-Jepang. Bahwa betapa susahnya hidup saat itu, selain tidak adanya teknologi yang terus membantu kita, manusia, di jaman sekarang, tetapi juga susahnya mempertahankan kehidupan sehari-hari dikarenakan tegangnya keadaan masa penjajahan. Bahwa dia harus menempuh perjalanan di sungai, mendayung sendiri, selama lima jam untuk berkunjung ke rumah saudaranya. Bahwa semua makanan yang akan dimakan harus ditanam sendiri. Betapa nasi yang mereka makan bukanlah nasi full seperti saat ini, terkadang dicampur dengan umbi atau pisang (yeah, pisang as in banana). Betapa sayur ini membutuhkan waktu segini lama untuk tumbuh dan sayur itu membutuhkan waktu segitu untuk tumbuh. We should really grateful for the life we have now, shouldn’t we?

Tumben Akong menceritakan mengenai kehidupannya, terkadang gue sering kangen mendengar ceritanya yang jarang-jarang itu. Mungkin dia menceritakan ini karena sepertinya dia bosan setiap hari sendirian dirumah ditemani oleh ketiga anjing gue, secara semua orang rumah gue sibuk bersekolah, berkuliah, dan bekerja. People could really feel lonely in unexpected times, no matter how independent those people are. Mendengar cerita Akong, lagi-lagi bersyukur bahwa hidup kita saat ini begitu mudah. Juga bersyukur bahwa Akong masih ada disini, di tengah-tengah kami, tetap sehat dan ceria. Bersyukur bahwa kami masih diberikan kesempatan untuk membalas semua budinya, bahwa kami masih bisa menikmati keberadaannya.

I know you won’t live forever, Grandpa, but I do wish you a long long life. If that’s not too much, at least till you get some grand-grand-child to hold in your hand. We do love you, Grandpa :)

Untitled

Little girl
Learning about hurts
When shits happened in her life
Thinking about giving up
But the pain won't go

Really,
Sometimes she wish she was born heartless
So she'll feel nothing
When shits happened in her life
Just like today

Eventhough her heart's ache
Her mind's screaming
Her tears won't come
No peace inside her
Everything's draining inside
Emotion's bursting
Feel like she's going to explode

It's hurt like hell
But nothing coming out
It's hurt like shit
But sure she manage to disguise it
Eventhough she choose to cry
But for some reason the tears won't come

So,
She'll put make up on her face
Smokey eyes, bold mascara
Pink blush on, red lipstick
She'll wear her hair hazardly
Wearing sexy red dress, too short for her legs
Black stocking and red high heels
Bring her clutch
And going out alone
To she doesn't know where

She'll find a bar,
Where no one know about her
Sit near the bartender
Drink till she drunk
Smoking light cigarettes
Her face is dark
Throwing glance around her
Seeing people at trance
Few groups laughing together
Couples kissing hotly
Dj playing the music loudly
She'll dance her legs out
Sure loneliness killed her inside
But she maintain to hang on
Because she know
Physical pain mean nothing

She'll put one perfect fake smile on her face
Lift her chin up
Walk like she doesn't care for anything
She's just a little girl
But sure she's strong
Because she can disguise her pain well

And tomorrow,
She'll get up
Like no shits happened yesterday
She'll put one perfect fake smile on her face
So no one know what happen inside her

Slowly,
She'll forgive herself
And the world around her
Eventhough she'll never forget
But life's goes on
So she learn to heal herself
And pretend that everything's alright
And wishing inside
That everything's really going to be alright someday

And that's always be enough for me

I live in my small secured world. My little world is spinning around family and work. I live ordinary daily life, do ordinary things. I always hide inside this comfort cavern of mine, doing anything simple as long as it can makes me content.

You might think that my life is a bore. But truthfully, all the things I've ever needed is served in a platter in front of me. I have a family, not a big one, only one little family in our secluded home, but for me that's always be enough because all of us love each other enormously. I have few friends I dare to called as bestfriend. Some of them aren't here but enough for me to know we love each other and we have each other and we care for each other and we understand each other. We might not have 'stick-like-a-tattoo' kind of friendship, but for me that always be enough to know they're always there for me in the happiest time and the saddest time of my life. I may not have boyfriend to share love story together but I do have my whole self to share love with anyone happen to be in my side.

Yes, I'm one of the girl you might call as lucky. I'm lucky. All of my life, God put everything in order to make one great plan for me. At this time, I really don't know what the plan is. And I'm pretty sure tomorrow I still won't know the plan too. But not knowing is enough for me, because who am I to understand God's plan. It's enough to know that He always answer my pray in the right time.

It's not that I never encounter bad things or never being hurt or anything. Of course I experienced some bitter time too. All of bitter memories in my life, all of disappointment, all of the tears wasted and the hurt marked in my heart, all of miseries I feel, all of loneliness eating me inside, all of bad feelings and emotions I have inside me.

I don't know how many times I kneel on the floor, crying to Him to give me strength. I don't know how many times I curse my life and pour all my mind to Him. But really, God is great, because He always forgive me. The most important thing is, He always accept me no matter how bad my behavior was. He blessed me with His love, His protection, and His grace.

It take times to get the bigger picture of God's plan for me. Usually I'll get it in later time. He really give me temptation in the first place to blessed me with wonderful miracles later. And I always feel grateful for that.

That's why I called myself lucky, because in every life corner, I always get a chance to feel grateful. Lucky to be blessed. Lucky to have everything I have now. My life isn't the perfect one, but for me that's always be enough.

Enough as long as I have someone to hugs me when I'm down. Enough as long as I have someone to stand behind me and fight with me. Enough as long as I have someone to hear me whine. Enough to have someone to scold me in my bad times. Enough to have someone to share laugh with. Enough to have someone to care about me. Enough to live my life every shitty day.

I'm not the most beautiful girl nor the smartest one. I'm not the most popular one nor the richest one. I'm not the tallest one or the shortest one. I'm not the fattest one nor the slimmest one. I'm just ordinary girl. My life is one normal daily life. I'm not a nobel achiever or the greatest designer. I'm just the girl next door. I'm one of the luckily simple normal girl.

Except that I have love so much to share inside of me. I have nothing, nothing except love to give. And I always do that wholeheartedly. And that's always be enough for me.

That's why I called myself as lucky. Lucky because I still can feel that this is enough and I still feel grateful for all the wonderful things in my life. Lucky because I still have love inside of me to share.

Sincerely yours :)


"I know we're all afraid
Someday, somebody's gonna take the stand
Someday, somebody's gonna say enough
This could be that day
Trust your senses
And don't look that bitch in the eyes"
by: Perseus from: Clash of The Titans

Mungkin Tuhan lagi kangen sama lo

*dedicated to my-soulmate-sister. dear God, how I miss you, ma’chere..

Persis seperti para wanita yang sedang berada di area quarter life, seperti usia gue saat ini, biasanya sering mengalami apa yang namanya pergolakan pikiran yang diberi istilah quarter life crisis. Bukan berarti gue sedang mengalami apa yang sering disebut sebagai quarter life crisis itu ya. Okay, maybe a little of it, but I’m not stupid enough to bury myself in it. Life’s too precious to waste for that useless phase.

Pada saat-saat seperti ini, pertanyaan yang sering muncul adalah pertanyaan macam ‘habis ini mau ngapain?’ yang merujuk ke kehidupan masa depan sekitar 5-10 tahun ke depan. Entah kenapa pertanyaan itu selalu muncul di benak gue belakangan ini, bener-bener baru belakangan ini. Entah ada sekrup di otak gue yang baru kepasang, atau jangan-jangan malah lepas, soalnya sebelum masa ini gue sama sekali ga mikirin soal ini sama sekali.

Pertanyaan ini mulai muncul sekitar akhir tahun kemarin dan terus berlanjut sampai sekarang, berputar di benak gue tiada henti. Kalau boleh jujur, bukannya gue ga ada bayangan sama sekali mengenai masa depan yang gue maksud itu. Unconsciously, ternyata otak gue sebenarnya sudah mencoba merumuskan segala rencana tersebut lengkap dengan plan A dan plan B-nya. Yah begitulah akibat dari karakter zodiac virgo bergolongan darah a yang melankolis, tipikal orang perfeksionis yang selalu membuat rencana dalam benak ini. Walaupun sebal dan ingin berhenti berpikir, akan tetapi tetap saja sang otak memutuskan berkata lain dan terus menjalankan proses pembuatan rencana tersebut. Ya ampun, apa benak gue gak capek ya tiap rencananya dipatahin sama Tuhan tanpa tedeng aling-aling. Tobat dong, tobat.

Pada intinya, sebenernya masalah masa depan tidak terlalu mengganggu benak gue. Masih dalam ambang batas normal seperti layaknya kekhawatiran mengenai hujan apa enggak sore nanti, macet apa enggak besok pagi, apakah pekerjaan bakal selesai hari ini, mau makan apa ya siang nanti, segala macam kekhawatiran tidak berarti seperti itu yang sering muncul tetapi sama sekali tidak mengganggu jalannya kehidupan sehari-hari. Tapi walau tidak mengganggu, pertanyaan itu selalu ada disana, terus berputar kembali layaknya kaset rusak, dan frekuensi kemunculannya semakin sering belakangan ini. It’s start to disturbing my inner peace.

Selain pertanyaan masa depan, pertanyaan yang sering muncul lainnya adalah mengenai masalah pasangan atau pacar, jelas dan tentu baru sampai tahap situ, bukan sampai pasangan hidup atau jodoh. Pertanyaan itu muncul sebagian besar sebenernya karena lingkungan sekitar gue yang kondusif untuk pertanyaan macam romantisme seperti pacaran. Kenapa? Ya itu simple karena pembicaraan macam itu sering muncul disekitar gue.

Di rumah, bonyok sepertinya mulai khawatir kenapa anaknya yang besar tampak tidak tertarik dengan yang namanya pacaran saat ini. Bonyok malah berulang kali mempertanyakan alasan kesendirian gue, apa jangan-jangan gara-gara masih menyimpan memori soal the x-files (sungguh sumpah ayahanda dan ibunda, bukan karena itu). Gejala khawatir bonyok keliatan jelas kalau weekend gue terlihat seperti mau pergi. Mereka akan mulai mengeluarkan pertanyaan macam ‘sama siapa? cewek apa cowok?’ Since when they care whether I’m going out with man or woman?

Di keluarga besar, cukup dikatakan bahwa saat pertemuan keluarga besar adalah salah satu saat yang paling menyebalkan saat ini. Kalau punya pacar pertanyaannya kapan married. Kalau ga punya pacar pertanyaannya kapan mau nyari. Apapun reaksi gue dari pertanyaan itu pada akhirnya hasilnya bakal disodorin segala kenalan mereka yang single. Holy crap.

Di kantor, nah, kantor itu sebenarnya adalah lembaga biro jodoh yang bergerak di kedok industri. Setiap saat selalu ada saja orang-orang non-lajang yang menanyakan mengenai status. Sepertinya dalam dunia ini status single adalah dosa. Dan again, akhir yang dituju adalah mengenalkan sebanyak mungkin orang single dengan orang single lainnya. Aih.

Tapi semua itu belum seberapa dibanding tontonan yang disuguhkan oleh budaya kapitalis Jakarta. Setiap jalan ke mal, atau menonton bioskop, atau makan di restoran, atau kemanapun deh, dimana-mana selalu saja ada kumpulan pasangan yang terlihat sangat menikmati dunia mereka. Jealousy is one ugly thing, but I can’t help it at all. It’s like thinking about what’s wrong in me that I haven’t found someone at all. Silly thought, because I’m sure there’s nothing fatally wrong in myself. I’m not saying that I’m flawless, nobody’s perfect, right? But really, I think I’m not that bad.

Self pitying really doesn’t suit me at all. The only problem that I, and every single person in this world, am still single is that because the time hasn’t come yet. Come on, from 1 billion singles in this world (5 billions people in the world minus 2 millions under-ages minus 1 billion already married minus 1 billion elderly), I’m pretty sure someone out there is going to suit me perfectly. I do have many great qualities and it’s not my fault (or our fault, every singles out there!) that my status is still single. It’s just the time hasn’t come yet.

Gue sadar betul dengan fakta itu, dengan statistic itu, dengan keadaan itu. Gue sadar tapi entah kenapa tetap terasa ada riak-riak kegelisahan ketika membicarakan masalah pasangan itu. Dan itulah saat ketika teman gue menghibur dengan ucapannya yang khas.

‘Mungkin Tuhan lagi kangen sama lo nya. Makanya dijauhin dikit.’
‘Hah?’
‘Biar lo berdoa.’

Smart ass. That kind of smart and witty words cuma bisa keluar dari mulut, atau pikiran, temen gue yang satu ini.

Anyway, maybe that’s so true, God want me to state my pray right away. Not pleading to Him, or just hoping and wishing, or anything unclear, but states it clearly. Sampai saat ini gue selalu doa dalam bentuk kepasrahan, ga berani meminta atau memohon, hanya menyerahkan semuanya ke tangan Tuhan. Mungkin Tuhan pengen tau sebenernya apa mau gue sebenarnya. That way I’ll learn to make some important decisions myself, not throwing all of it in God’s hand and blame Him for everything later. That way He’ll know what I want and teach me to respecting His decisions and stop blaming Him for everything bad that happen later. He just want to know what we’ve want in this life.

Because I do believe God’s always answering your prayer. What we should do is just telling Him and waiting His answer to come. It might be yes and He’ll give you right away, it might be no and He’ll give you another one, or it might be wait and you simply just need to wait till the answer come.

Ask and it’ll be given to you, because I think God want us to make our decisions sometimes.

Attention Deficit Disorder

It's one of the insignificant disease we're all, human, have. It's not ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) like in psychological world. I called it a normal Attention Deficit Disorder because I think it’s appropriate for this story.

“You have seen but not observed whereas I both see and observe.” (Sherlock Holmes)

Often we're, human, seeing things but not pay much attention to it. We're just letting the information pass through our eyes to our brain but not keeping that information inside. If you don't believe me, just try it with this little test.

Try to remember the path you walked everyday. You may choose from your surroundings, like house, office, your favorite lunch place, your bedroom, your anything. Example, try to remember the path from your office lobby to your office room. Do you remember the color of the floor? What pictures hanging in the lobby? What color of the receptionist desk? Do you remember the face of your receptionist? Will you acknowledge him or her if you meet him or her outside the office building? That very kind of questions. After that, try to compare the answer with the reality. Usually people always have wrong memory about the things they get acquaintance everyday.

The reason I believe that we're all having this insignificant disease is because of three insignificant events. First and second happen in a long time ago. Third happen just lately. But if I think about it again now, all of those events involve few of design person (we're all know that design person is usually live in their own world and often not paying attention to their surroundings, right?) and one of the most insensitive person I've ever know (he’s my bestfriend, but I admit it, he’s insensitive about few things), so maybe this three stories doesn’t count as valid. Really, I just want to share it because it was kinda funny.

First event happened in the mall, very near to my, or we could say, our office. It was a normal-habitual day. We walked in the path strive to Mall’s foodcourt. And just like that, suddenly I notice something different with the mall floor. I can't quite remember the differences between before and after. Was it the pattern or the type of the homogenous tiles or anything? Finally my curiosity win and I decided to ask one of my colleague, very smart colleague actually, so intelligence level won’t be the problem here, about those floor.

The conversation is like this:
Me: “Madam, are those floor is like this yesterday or it is different?”
Madam: (look surprise) “Hmm, I don't remember actually.”
Me: “Oh.”
Just like that.

And until now the question about the floor is still unanswered.

Second event happened in the path between UPH and Mall, again. In the Benton Junction, there was a newspapers and magazines booth. We walked through it almost everyday. One day I decided to buy one dress from a department store in the Mall. The cashier said that if we brought a coupon from certain newspaper, we’ll get more discount (about 20%). Excited to hear that, we (my friend and I) decided to walk to the bookstore and buy that silly piece of newspaper. In the bookstore we found out that that bookstore never sells any newspaper at all (and we were never realize about it before, that’s one). Finally we decided to walk to our last resort, newspapers and magazines booth in Benton Junction, only to found out that the booth wasn’t there anymore. How could we miss it when we walked to the Mall before (and that’s two)? It’s funny how people keep forgetting the insignificant information and deleting them from our brains.

Third event happened lately, just few days ago. I was going out with my sister to one Mall in Jakarta. We were going to meet my childhood bestfriend there. When my sister and I arrived there, we walked in the corridor and suddenly my bestfriend passed through in front of us with his long strides. Avoided screaming, I decided to stand there, behind him, and text him. Behind him, we were seeing him read the text, seeing him looking for us, and seeing him failed to acknowledge us eventhough we were standing right behind him. When he made the gesture to replying my text, I wave my hand and call him. Finally he noticed us. Then he came and said, “Oh my God, I couldn’t recognize you because of your hair.” That’s one thing. Yeah, right, I’ve change my hairstyle and he never see it before, but come on, he’s my bestfriend from childhood, since our elementary school. How come he failed to recognize me? I decided to let it go and not complaining about his failure as a bestfriend when he said another bomb-sentence, “How could I recognize you? You didn’t use your glasses!” FYI, I’ve stop using my glasses since my high school graduation, and since that we’ve already met each other hundreds times. His remarks really getting on my nerves and I start complaining about his insensitive way when acknowledge his surrounding. Gosh, lucky I understand his characters and bad habit.

So, after that third event, I started to question about human’s lackness in acknowledging our surroundings. In my thought, this insignificant disease called Attention Deficit Disorder is happening in all of us. Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t know really, just sharing my thoughts. In my case, sometimes there’s few useless memory that stick in my mind and I couldn’t forget it at all, but sometimes I couldn’t remember one important information no matter how hard I try to dig it. I’m not generalized it, but in some way, there’s some part of us that unconsciously sorting all the memories kept in our brain and choosing which one to forget and which one to remember. Or maybe we aren’t forgetting it, just burying it so deep that we need to take a little more time to remember it. Really, human’s body is one magic instrument, we wouldn’t understand all the extraordinaries in it ever.

But again, I don’t know. What do you think? ;))

PS: Calvin, my bestfriend, don't be angry when you read this, okay. Admit it, you're a little insensitive about your surroundings. But that's the way you are :) And i don't mind if someday you repeat this mistake once again and failed to acknowledge me one more time. But just that once, okay, if you do it twice or more, I'm going to get angry.

One-Stop Journey of Like - Obsession - Lust - Infatuation - Love

Lately I’ve been surrounded by people who keep talking about romance, particularly love. I don’t know, isn’t love always around? From that talk, I’ve got few more perspectives about it. It’s not that I’m totally clueless about it. It’s just funny that the talk about love is always makes people speaking with particular interest in their eyes, sometimes dreamy, sometimes hurt, sometimes sadly, sometimes sparkling. For me, love is like one big journey, always become big parts of our life. It has its own step, different for each person. Sometimes calmly and slowly growing like waiting a tree to grow. Sometimes it’s just strikes you in unexpected times like lightning.

Learning about love-logy always makes me excited. Talking about love experiences, happiness or sadness, it really doesn’t matter because all of those experiences are worth it. For me, love is always being one extraordinary thing worth to experience. No matter how sad that love is or how happy or how confusing or how annoying, it is enough to know that love is there. I know sometimes falling in love feels like walking blindly to unknown place. Sometimes it feels like riding a rollercoaster. Sometimes it’s just breezing like warm wind. Every feel we had when we’re in love is so precious for a lifetime memory.

Few days ago, one question from my friend makes me think about the answer carefully. He asks about the differences between like-obsession-lust-love and the last, the differences between love and infatuation. Trying to separate those feelings is quite hard, especially when you’re in it. Sometimes those feelings mixed up and you can’t tell the differences between them. I think for each person those entire feelings has different meanings. It’s depends on each experiences and each mind-set of the person. For me, all of those feelings are like step-by-step of events for every romance stories in this world.

I try to define its meanings from my own perspective to answer that question. I think all of you have your own answers. This is from my own experiences in my life, based on the entire story telling from others or from my own memories.



Like is when you feel happy everytime you see him, feel glad everytime you see his laugh, feel content even when it’s just to watch him eating. Like is when you feel sweetness going through your heart when you talk about him. It’s like having a big cotton candy clouds in your head. It’s like having your world painted pink. It’s like eating one big lollipop by yourself. Like is when you feel excited and you can’t stop smiling because of that.

Obsession is when you want to know everything about him, when you want to know every second of his daily life, want to know his thought about anything. Seems like you can't stop thinking about him anytime and you definitely can get him out off your mind. It’s like you want to talk about him again and again. Obsession is like drugs, addicted to someone very hard, only him matter, like the world is spinning in his feet.

Lust is when you look at him and think 'My, what a perfect creature you are. So sexy and sensual and I want to eat u alive.' Every part of his body is a wonderland for you. Lust is when you feel stinging electricity everytime you touch him. It’s like every blood cell in your body rushing through your veins faster. It’s like seeing him and getting your heart beats un-normally fast. It’s like seeing him and your brain stop thinking. All you want to do is touching him everywhere. Lust is uncontrolled part of your actions, it’s when your logic stop speaking for a while.

Infatuation is like a crazy side of falling in love. Usually happens in the first step of fall in love. It’s like you want to do all the craziest things with him, dance in a pouring rain, kissing under the starry skies, laughing like there’s no tomorrow, crying in his embraces. For me, infatuation it's like riding a rollercoaster, always makes your heart beats faster because of uncertainty but definitely makes you feel younger like a teenager.

Love is when you know all the goodness and badness but still feel you can do it. It’s like knowing all the difficulties and think that all of that is really doesn’t matter. Love is like knowing that you don't need him but still you want to spend all of your time with him. Some people might have misconception between need and love. Example: you love your boyfriend because he always there in your side anytime you need him. What if someday he’s not there in your side? Do you still love him that time? I have one irrational thinking that if one man or woman know he or she doesn't need one particular woman or man, and he or she obviously can live without her or him, but still want to spend all his or her life with her or him, then it's love. Love is when you can relate to all the love songs in the world. Love is like having your world colorful. Love is when your heart dominating your logic. Love is always surprising. It’s when you become a different people with different mind. Love is when you want to be his everything. Love is when you want to do anything for him, nothing matter except him. Love is sweet and warm, it’s giving and unconditionally. Love is surprising and all you want to do is drown yourself in it, no matter how hurt you are. Love is like sickness, but you don’t want (or you just can’t) to heal yourself from it. Love is really a drama of extraordinary feelings and emotions. Love is warm and calm, slowly but sure, like an autumn wind blowing in the end of summer time and it makes you more mature in some way.

All of those things are inseparable, one related to the other. It might have different meanings, but for me they have one effect, it makes my brain stop thinking clearly. All of those things always make me the stupidest person on this earth. I’m not proud to state it, but that’s the fact, I’m truly a lovefool. Anyway, in my alibi, who don’t act stupid when they’re in love?



It’s truly rare to meet someone who can make you feel all of those things in a blink of time. As a pathetic dreamer, I always wish to experience that strikes-by-lightning love story. It’s like having your own fairy tale in your life, not only just watch it or hear about it. I’m realist enough to realize that in this world even fairy tale sometimes won’t give you happily ever after. Sometimes there’s a time when you feel like fairy tale is just a bullshit, it doesn’t exist for us. I can’t prove about the existence of fairy tale, but inside I always believe that it does exist. It's different for each person, and maybe you wouldn’t know you’re in it right here right now. But I believe that experienced that extraordinary love story will give you memories you’ll never forget for the rest of your life. And for me, that’s always worth having.

Have a good love everybody. We all do deserve it.

Sincerely yours :)

I wish I was born heartless, baby

I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t notice your presence that first time at all.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when I feel your presence I won’t skip my heart beat for a while.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t talk to you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when I talk to you I won’t realize your wonderful dreamy eyes with its thick eyelashes.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t melt after I find your soul from your eyes.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when I hear you talk I won’t fall for your words.
I wish I was born heartless, that way your words won’t feel like musics in my ears.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t realize your heat radiating from your body.
I wish I was born heartless, that way your body won’t attract me towards you like a magnet.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when you first touch me I won’t feel electricity stings me hard.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t feel like I need you now.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t craving even though it's just for your simple touch.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t feel comfortable when you hugs me.
I wish I was born heartless, that way your smell won’t take my breath away.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when you kiss me I could step back.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when you want me I could say no.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I could easily go from your life before we’re getting intense.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t get obsessed with you at all.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t fall in love with all of you, good and bad.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t getting crazy about you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when you like slipping away from my life I could feel nothing.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t wait for you at all.
I wish I was born heartless, that way your face won’t keep coming back to my mind.
I wish I was born heartless, that way when I sleep alone in my bed I won’t cry in my sleep remembering you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t dream of you in all my disturbed sleep.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won't search for your shadows in any place possible.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t miss you at all.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t waste my tears wanting you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I won’t feel anything about you.
I wish I was born heartless, that way I would never know about love.
I wish I was born heartless, but it’s just too late.

ps. demi menjawab banyak pertanyaan, ini DEFINITELY bukan tentang The X-Files. like i have nothing to think other than him deh ah.